Brian Roffino
Writer * Worldbuilder * Life Coach
Of 2020, See What You Need to See
Horrible, Haarible
I once knew a pastor, an amazing and life-changing gentleman, who occasionally showed his Boston roots with a hint of an accent. I will always remember the way he described the brutality of the civil war in El Salvador in the 1980s as the governmental forces “disappeared” those who spoke out against them (these forces kidnapped, murdered, and disposed of the bodies of their rivals so their families could never truly have closure or mourn the deaths of their loved ones). This pastor said the war was “Horrible. Horrible.” (With a weighted pause afterward.) However, with his Boston accent, what he said actually sounded like this: “Haarible. Haarible.”
There are those who will look back at 2020 and will use those words.
What a Haarible Year
This has been a “harrible” year for almost everybody. Much harder for some than for others. Not just COVID and the divisiveness of Donald Trump, though they loom like a grim reaper over everything, this year has also seen the murder of George Floyd (and the fact that using the word murder is needlessly divisive), global Black Lives Matter protests, the polarization of everything including “facts” and news, and all the failures of businesses and ways of life. Oh, and people couldn’t travel to escape reality for a little bit. Oh and suicides and domestic violence and child removals are at record levels. Oh and hurricanes in the Atlantic are worse and more destructive than ever while much of the west coast of the US burns, due in part to record droughts. Oh and Murder Hornets are a thing. Oh and a smaller but serious emotional blow: Chadwick Boseman, the first cinematic Black Panther, died of cancer. A man who brought hope and joy, dead due to humanity’s most steady killer. And John Lewis died, too. A hero in every sense of the word. This year saw SO MANY negative events. Too many to catalogue. Just too many.
And in fact, for certain business owners, for certain wealthy elites, this has been a year of record profits, wealth, and peaceful retreats.
I will admit, I have avoided writing about this accursed year because, well, how do you eat an elephant? (This is a silly expression I use sometimes to hint at the stress of a task so large it seems impossible. Also, don’t eat elephants.) This year is just too complex.
We have a country, no a globe, that is hemorrhaging human beings to the Coronavirus plague, at times the death rate in the US more than half of a 9/11 (2977 deaths) every day or more. The US is struggling with George Floyd’s murder and all the implications of the race conversation we still are not really having, and hyper-partisanship like I have never seen in my lifetime. People scream at each other because of masks or signs or tweets. Leaders in President Trump’s party spew lies and vitriol to attack others and demonize their opponents, and leaders on the other side essentially do a lot of the same. Political propaganda is everywhere, especially on the right (ahem, Fox News, OAN, and others like Alex Jones and Rush Limbaugh) but truly on both sides, that seeks simply to get more clicks, ignoring the cost. These people are fighting to the death, and they don’t seem to realize it. They don’t realize the costs of “winning” may burn down everything.
Is this our best, America? Is this what anyone wants?
I have felt moments of true despair, moments when I couldn’t watch the news at all, to see people justifying means to get their ends. I have felt moments when I sought oblivion in late night tubs of ice cream and Netflix monster movies.
Seeing the Rest, Seeing Good Too
And yet, I know something that I try to remember when it seems the darkest: We will get through this. And also:
There is nothing more powerful to shift thinking than changing a perspective. The human mind can always choose to focus on what is good.
I am alive. I am currently COVID free (even if not all members of my family are). I can breathe and I always have choices.
I am alive.
I can work. (And fortunately, I have work.)
I can think.
What can you see that would help you focus on the positive? What can you focus on that will help you find gratitude despite the darkness of this year?
Ryan Holiday in his book, The Obstacle is the Way about Stoicism, states, “Turn what you must do into what you get to do.” I have looked at that quote maybe a thousand times this year as I stayed home instead of visiting family or the store, as I shifted to online classes, as I cancelled trips. I had to do this stuff, but I GOT to learn so much from it. I am stronger than I have ever been with my work ethic and my ability to help and encourage students. I am improving at my own writing skills because I’m making more time to write and revise.
Not that I can do this all the time. Sometimes it is a real fight and I’m just sad. And yet, writing about this helps me remember to try harder.
How are you stronger because of this strange year? How are you better? How can you celebrate that?
(Quick Aside: Do you Have a Lot to Mourn? Do it with Help)
If you’ve experienced death or loss, first be sure you know that probably the healthiest action is to start a relationship with a counselor or therapist. Counselors know how to talk about loss and they know the healthy and unhealthy ways that people grieve. Even people without extra money can find free online therapy through services like 7 Cups or BetterHealth (see this LINK for more on free therapy).
By the way, when I talk to my students in classes, I’ve heard one response to this often: “_____ people [like me] don’t do therapy.” Yeah, well, people used to not think about “effective parenting” either, and I’m glad that is slowly changing.
Archeologists, neurologists, and many other people smarter than me know that human beings are social creatures, even you introverts. Big feelings are just hard to process if we are alone or not talking to others. All of us need help from time to time.
“Look with Better Eyes“
In one of the best movies ever made, James Cameron’s The Abyss, one character, played by the amazing Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio is attempting to get people to believe something hard, something without proof that seems a bit crazy. She says, “Coffey looks and he sees Russians [that character’s biggest fear–The Abyss was set in the eighties]. You have to look with better eyes than that.”
This quote in itself is imperfect. Nothing quite captures the challenge facing humans, Americans, Texans, Republicans, or Democrats. But it’s close. What you remember, what goes into your internal math equations about managing your time, energy, and output, depends on what you choose to see. And you get to decide what you see, or at least to influence what your eyes focus on.
And, Yeah, Stoicism
Here’s another pair of quotes from a famed father of stoic philosophy, Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius, that approach this 2020 dilemma in another way:
“Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil.”
“You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
The first quote reminds us that there will always be difficulties. EVERYDAY. The second quote reminds us that so much of life is simply out of our control. WE CANNOT CHANGE the fact that some politicians are idiots or that so many good human beings are being duped into idiocy. What we CAN do is focus on our perception and what we have control over. That’s it. You can be powerful in the arenas in which you have control. You are in fact unstoppable, and breathing, and thinking. Who cannot celebrate those things?
It sometimes doesn’t feel like enough, and it requires frequent redirection (at first) but you can choose to see how wonderful your life is. You can choose to see the actions that will lead you to even better.
Do that. Choosing what you see will make all the difference.
Good luck, and may 2021 show us even more blessings amidst the chaos. (And hopefully less chaos. And again, don’t eat elephants.)
John Lewis is a Hero; John Lewis is My Hero
Civil Rights leader and US Representative John Lewis recently passed away.
People who do not think of John Lewis as a hero are missing something. Either they don’t know how tirelessly he fought for equality and justice, without throwing an insult or a punch. Or they don’t know what America is and where it has come from.
This country was founded on lofty ideals and revolutionary ideas. It is an experiment in governance that had never been done before. And yet America has never been able to see through and grant those ideas and freedoms to all human beings equally. Our leaders have always fallen short or chosen to maintain a caste system. I am reminded of the incredibly important human maxim: Power corrupts. Or rather, the actual quote from Lord Acton, “Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
A number of excellent attributes and actions made John Lewis a hero. He was kind. He was curious. In this era and political climate, I especially love that he was willing to stand up and say “THAT IS NOT RIGHT” over and over again until real change started happening. It almost killed him.
As a person who grew up in a family full of conflict, I admire how John Lewis’s honesty and integrity made him continue the fight, even when it may have felt impossible. Sometimes I look around at all the problems we have in this country, all the struggles my students face, and I feel overwhelmed. Remembering that John Lewis just kept moving forward helps. John Lewis is an example for me. He reminds me how to live in America.
Read John Lewis’s final essay, challenging this generation to finally lay down the mantle of hate.
It is scary to stand against something powerful. John Lewis stood for something stronger. He fought for better without disrespecting or throwing a punch. For that he will be missed. And appreciated. And championed.
Godspeed.
Race: Voices that Matter, like Halstead’s and Hutcherson’s
People often ask me where to get started to learn more about race and the situation with institutional racism in the United States. These two articles are almost always discussed in my college writing classes for a number of reasons, but not because they are perfect. Halstead does do a good job of summarizing a lot of the issues anyone can learn more about, such as colorblindness, white privilege, institutional racism, and the revision of the history of the Civil Rights movement. Hutcherson shares when race shifted her experiences and explains White Privilege by showing it to us. Start with these two voice and listen. Listen carefully and be open.
Halstead is a white guy who uses logic to explain not only why some white people say “All Lives Matter” but why “Black Lives Matter” is necessary. You don’t have to believe everything he states, but this contains some valid perspectives with excellent points.
The Real Reason White People Say “All Lives Matter” by John Halstead
To learn about white privilege, I really needed to hear from someone who wasn’t white. So I zoomed around the internet and found Lori Lakin Hutcherson‘s account of a series of personal stories that connected with race. These stories would have gone differently had she been white. That is the essence of white privilege: white people can turn off and forget about race, but for POC (people of color), race is always on and often a part of their experience (often for the negative).
My White Friend Asked Me on Facebook to Explain White Privilege. I Decided to Be Honest.
If it helps to hear a (famous) white person summarize it, here’s a story (with video) about Jimmy Kimmel talking about White Privilege. Zoom to 7:40 on the video to see the conversation about white privilege.
I hope these voices help you launch into a better understanding of the white struggle with the issue of race in America.
Do you have articles that you think are fundamental to the conversation? I would LOVE to know more. Please add authors and links in the comments below. If you have time, tell me and other readers why they matter. Thanks for taking the time.
How to Respond to people Amidst a Crisis: POTOW & Let Dave Chappelle Show You
Our country and communities have had a crapton of crises lately and no shortage of people weighing in and saying something about them.
There’s the unprecedented COVID crisis. The constitutional democracy/leadership crises. Now, this week we’ve had yet another black man, George Floyd this time, die in police custody, killed by the police officers who are supposed to be protecting their community.
I’ve had a hard time trying to decide what to say myself. Who am I as a white dude who has never been elected to public office to offer leadership or perspective here?
The English/critical thinking professor in me knows this: TRUST NOTHING. Facts appear to be fluid in this politically charged era, but that should not be the case. A fact is something measurable that can be verified. The rest is all about the communication triangle: a) SPEAKER/WRITER, b) THE MESSAGE, c) THE AUDIENCE. Here are some steps to getting more of the picture so you can help shift public discourse and public policy (which are nice phrases for shifting how we talk and what we do).
Here are five steps that I think will help anyone get a message through the fire to the other side.
- P – PREPARE by reading. Read Lots Carefully. Listen (not to social media alone, as cherry-picked quotes, data, or headlines can often obscure important context.)
- O – ORGANIZE. Organize the substance in your mind (or on paper) in to categories like facts, biases, and opinions. Use bullets maybe to get the big stuff out.
- T – THINK. Think by talking out loud with others, journaling, being creative by drawing, singing, or writing poetry, but know that most people think in layers, meaning we can get the broad stuff in a first attempt, but only by going back over it a few times do we really get to deeper detail and understanding.
- O – Understand the OTHER side (often this is called opposition in argument circles, but that implies a fight). If there is another side to yours, seek to understand and empathize with them (so that you can adapt and clarify your position in ways that are more likely to be heard). Do you want to yell at them and them yell at you forever? Of course not. So that means everybody needs to listen more. Listen to people from different perspectives, especially people different from you. Read their writing. Listen to the sometimes annoying smugness and irritating tone of the “other” and then TURN OFF that anger and imagine their fears. Anger often comes from fear. So if you really want things to change, we all have to learn to take the anger, let it go through us, and understand what drives it, so we can get them nodding. WITH US. Nodding with us.
- W – WRITE it respectfully. Figure out who you are, what you want to say, who you want to say it to, and write that message down. Then clean it up and edit it down to make it more concise. Present it however you want, including Instagram, Videos, written word, songs, BLM Protest Sign, but think before you write and be sure you revise. Does this message matter. Hell yes it does, so put time into it. And remember your audience. If they think you’re talking down to them, they will stop listening, and they have to listen. Try to find a way to BE NICE. If you can.
Curious about the George Floyd and Police Brutality conversation?
Don’t know where to get started on your reading? Here’s a quick “What Happened” NYTimes article on the George Floyd timeline. It might even be interesting to read some comments, but give yourself a set amount of time (like I’ll read comments for 10 minutes and stop at 1:30).
Here’s one Christian perspective on race and police brutality arguing that something should be done.
Here’s a conservative perspective arguing that “Institutional Racism” is a myth. Note: I had to search harder for these opinion pieces, and there is a good chance many will disagree with aspects of this one. Still, what can be learned? Where is the bias? Where is data cherry-picked? What questions do you have after this perspective?
Here’s a powerful video from an activist named Kimberly Jones called “How Can We Win?” on the topics of protesting, rioting, looting, and general unfairness around black wealth and progress? I personally feel like I learned a lot from this perspective, even if I’m not sure I agree with 100% of it.
Now, if you’ve been curious about the Dave Chappelle link, here’s a video detailing an event that happened in 2015 where Dave Chappelle handles a heckler on the topic of police brutality. It is a story, not a video of the event, but at least a few other sources seem to corroborate that the event really happened, like this STORY from BoredPanda with the original KennyDeForest Tweets. In this video, see how Dave Chappelle handles the situation, and consider the outcome. POTOW baby. He was prepared and he already knew what the message was.
Now go. POTOW and make this better.
Interviewing Roffino: Why English?
In a recent interview with some Eastfield College advisors, they asked me a few good questions that I thought i might share here too. It may help students better understand how at least one person found his way to a career field that did essentially blend some passions and interests.
- How did you become interested in English, and why did you want to teach it?
Honestly, I couldn’t decide what to major in, so I rolled the dice and picked Archaeology. When those classes ended up being awfully slow (and all mysteriously scheduled for 8am), I started going down the alphabet and switched to Botany.
Actually, I’m kidding.
Truth is, being asked to pick ONE field and career at 18 was really scary, so I stayed “general studies” for far too long. It wasn’t until my junior year that I really started paying attention to myself and noticing that I didn’t mind doing the reading and homework in certain classes. I loved the communication classes that taught me how to get what I wanted and how to argue carefully. I was passionately pissed off when I learned in my gender and communication classes about our patriarchal society and wanted to make a difference. I was shocked and slightly ashamed when I learned in my American history classes about the real story of race in the US, and I wanted to learn what else I didn’t know. I also had always loved storytelling. It was the secret teddy bear I had carried with me from youth, but I learned not to be ashamed of it, to embrace it instead. Fiction writing ended up being an excellent way to pull my passions together and share the things I wanted others to know.
I loved my first two years of college for the fun and independence as well as the increased responsibility and growth. In fact, I have a lot of stories from that time that I’m not proud of, but I occasionally share some of these pearls to help my students see. One thing I learned is that it’s okay to make colossal mistakes. As a great thinker once said in a galaxy far, far away: “The greatest teacher, failure is.” For example, I learned when I got fired for the first time that there are consequences to mis-prioritizing my actions. That’s a story for another day.
I loved my last two years of college because I finally discovered curiosity and was finally brave enough to look stupid. For much of my life, when I didn’t understand something, I pretended I did or changed the subject. I thought showing I didn’t know everything was a risk and would make people realize I was a failure, but that inhibited me from really learning. I finally started taking the risks and chanced looking stupid so that I could ask questions. This risk-taking, the feeling the fear and doing it anyway, helped me open up the world and explore what and where I wanted.
My curiosity led me down rabbit holes and to more specific fields and possibilities. Many were revelatory. Some were not. I learned about mapping social networks and tracing the growth of ideas, long before there was social media to facilitate this. Long before other nations started using social media to infect our population with propaganda. I learned about fiction that had the power to make people collapse with feeling, stories that are so true, they help others understand life, understand themselves. I explored the world and my mind and I am stronger because of that work. I wish I had been curious sooner, and let that curiosity motivate me more, but I’m glad I had the journey I did.
So wait, what was the question again? The source of my interest in English? English just encapsulates so many skills that are WORTH improving: I break my class into four big skills areas: 1) Reading, 2) Writing, 3) Thinking, and 4) Life. Developing all of these is necessary for a fulfilled life. Reading is the fastest path to growth and learning and being better. Writing is the fastest path to better understanding oneself and to influencing the world in which one lives. Thinking is how we “level up” everything, and the easiest way to develop thinking is by finding the right questions. Life, well, life skills are the foundation of everything else. No one can complete an English class if she/he doesn’t have enough skills practice in managing time or increasing initiative and motivation.
People ask me whether I still believe all Americans should go to college. I mean, should all vet techs have a clear understanding of sociology? Do circus clowns really need to know Texas history? I can’t say for certain. I do believe though that all human beings should have the ability to think and express themselves, and a college English class with thought provoking assignments and a careful professor guide is the best place to water those seeds.
The Kids are Not Alright: A Note on Mental Illness
Have you ever been really sad? Have you ever felt not the basic “we’re out of ice cream” sad (though that is really bad) but feeling something like “I’m alone in an ocean at night and these waves suck and I don’t know how to find shore”?
Here’s a bit of the rhetorical rub. That was a trick question because the only two answers are YES and NO BUT I WILL.
Teachers do not often tell people this in K through 12, but life is full of hardship. Life is actually full of lots of tiny little opportunities to make choices and pull Action Bingo balls. Life also is always running background/passive Life Slot machines. Some Action Bingo or Life Slot pulls result in jubilation while others will punch you in the gut and knock out your teeth.
It might be DEATH. Or a BREAKUP. Or you got the job. Or a BETRAYAL. Or a fascinating and beautiful person who smiles at your jokes. Or a MEDICAL DIAGNOSIS. Or a real FAILURE. Or oh yeah, at the end of a crappy day, some jerk on a phone hits you and TOTALS YOUR CAR. Life is amazing and exciting and wonderful and yet, sometimes it just SUCKSSUCKSSUCKSSUCKS.
Anthropologists somehow know that human beings have evolved to be social creatures (#MysteriousScience). It is in our DNA that we biologically/physiologically turn to other humans, in theory, when we cannot cope with the extremely wonderful or the truly crushing.
And yet, for some reason, American society has bought this fake idea that we must all pretend to love consuming and obtaining our phones and cars and houses with a white-picket fence. Just keep smiling. You got this. Everything happens for a reason. Fake it till you make it. Turn that frown upside down. Fake fake fake.
Buried in one side of this false thinking is that if people don’t naturally love what society feeds them, if they don’t feel happy all the time, if they cannot cope with the hardships that happen, sometimes all at once, then there is something wrong with them. At their core. They couldn’t manage it right, this life business. They “made bad choices.” And if they cannot cope with struggles they should feel ashamed and and and… and there’s no good end to this idea.
I just am so ANGRY about it all.
I cannot express how frustrated I feel when I have to help some of my great students realize that life is sometimes just SHITTY, and it’s okay to say that. It is okay to experience emotions that are so strong people literally short out the processing skills in their brains. EMOTIONS SO STRONG they disassociate (a fabulous word that makes me think of disappearing to other worlds, but in reality it just means they escape from themselves for a time). It is okay to not be able to cope with life.
BUT THEN people must accept the next premise: if you cannot cope with life, no, WHEN you cannot cope with life, you must seek help from others. Choose people you trust and tell them the awful truth. Struggling people must be vulnerable and open up to their friends or acquaintances or connections or parents (if they can preface it with an explanation about what the conversation is for).
Now back to you, if you’re struggling. Don’t know anyone you’re willing to trust with your struggles? Don’t have anyone willing to sit and listen? (This by the way is NOT a reflection on you. Welcome back to the Life Slots, lonely people.)
Do you have health insurance? Buy a secret keeper. Get therapy. Don’t have health insurance? Take a quick little class at a community college like mine and take advantage of the free counseling that our campuses offer. Are you really struggling? Call the suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255. You don’t have to have your feet hanging off of a bridge to be able to call them. You aren’t imposing. You are important and more than worth their time.
And if you want to save some time, get started by thinking and REFLECTING with a few questions like this:
*What exactly is troubling you? (Be specific.)
*What’s led you here?
*What do you want more of?
*What might the other side of this look like? (No really. Imagining better is POWERFUL. It helps create HOPE.)
Try to put some real steady time and effort into this whenever you can. Writing is powerful, and overcoming big feelings is hard work that takes time.
The Blogess, a woman named Jenny Lawson who writes about her own struggles with depression and anxiety, once said, “Depression Lies.” She means that depression makes people who are sad see through “depression glasses” basically so things seem different than they really are. Depression makes sad people see only more negative things.
Remember that image of being alone in the middle of a dark ocean (or something like that)? Imagine (or go to) any mall and look around. You’ll see people living their lives. Sometimes it makes sad folks feel left behind and even more alone. However, when you remember that depression lies, you might be able to realize that all of these people have struggled, are struggling, or will struggle with just about the same exact feelings you’re in.
The kids are not alright. But they will be. They could be, if they realize it’s normal to need and get help.
College Success Series: Creating Support Networks & Setting Goals
So you’re a new student to college? I have a few thoughts for you to consider that might help you get through faster with less trouble.
SUPPORT / POSITIVITY NETWORK?
I hope you’re excited and hopeful about this journey. I wish you tons of successes in school endeavors. However, part of trying something you’ve never done before is the challenge, which means there will be difficult and stressful times. Most people who go through college (or apprenticeships, or certificate programs) have struggles and failures as well as the successes, myself included. But try not to worry. It happens, and struggles make us stronger. And remember that when crap happens, one way to look at it is that the universe is unfolding exactly as it should.
But it’s a lot easier to stay focused and get back up when we struggle or fail if we have people speaking positivity to us or asking about our homework. Do you have people pushing for you in a positive way? I hope so, but many if not most community college students are like, “No, but that would be nice.” If this is you, start thinking about adjusting your friend groups by adding more positive, goal-minded people. How? Join clubs and stuff. Say hi in your classes. Need help building a support network? Ask professors, student life staff, kids from clubs that sound interesting, or ask students who seem to have their stuff together.
GOALS?
There’s no judgment here when I ask this, but what are your goals for the school year? Haven’t thought about it? NO WORRIES! But start building this positive habit (goal-setting & assessing). What do you hope to achieve in the next week or month? What are your plans to achieve those goals? How can you be sure you’ll get there? WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING? What are you willing to do to get it?
Here’s a brief request for those of you looking for more confidence: Find ONE little goal that you know you can achieve this week, and then make yourself do it. (For example, I will cook ONE healthy meal myself.) Don’t make it too big at first – we’re trying to build confidence here in an area where you may have less confidence. Then when you achieve your goal, celebrate your victory and tell someone about it!
This was inspired by a great reading on guiding people toward POSITIVE FULFILLMENT that a fellow coach forwarded to me. Read it here, if you would like.
I have seen that when people find ways to focus on their goals every day, they are more likely to achieve them and develop confidence. It sounds true, doesn’t it? Believe it, and believe in your ability to do. To make. To become.
You are fresh, you are creative, you are brave enough to try. Everyone can be if they choose this.
I’m here if any of you need me. For advice, for English crap, for Coaching. Let me know how I can help you in your great plans. Let me know if you need help coming up with you plans, too.
Would You Keep Reading? (YA Novel in texts)
So I went to the library to drop off a book or three and I saw this interesting looking book on the new Young Adult table. I picked it up intending to flip through it and go, but 30 minutes later I was still reading it.
Technically, You Started It, by Lana Wood Johnson is completely told in text messages, so it moves quickly and is a great example of a strong “voice.” It feels like these are two real teens; in fact, I have known variations of these kids from my classes. Neurotic young woman fascinated by facts and idealism. Quietly confident young man frustrated that everyone thinks they know who he is.
I found this to be very fresh and curious, but would you keep reading too? (And I quite liked this creative book.)
Here are the first few pages, and I don’t think this violates any plagiarism issues because 1) I’m sort of plugging the book as interesting. Well, it was to me, and 2) these pages can be found on the AMAZON page, too.
The FIRST NINE PAGES of Technically You Started It.
