Brian Roffino
Writer * Worldbuilder * Life Coach
Cycles of Change and Stability – Finding Purpose in the Normal – Great Song
One thing I love about a new semester is that a predictable cycle starts again.
One thing I DON’T love about a new semester is that a predictable cycle starts again.
There is comfort in the sameness and there can be stagnation in it as well.
I’m reminded of the Catholic prayers I recited over and over and over growing up in stogy churches and slow droning ways and how I searched for freshness in the words every time. I often found nuance. I did not always. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
I guess it’s about MINDSET too, and so many things are. I just need to remember to see the positive and move towards the finish lines I want.
This Cycle, Clouds on the Horizon
I begin a cycle again in a strange time, a time of darkness and apathy, of fear and racism and the hints of danger past the ramparts, pennants through trees past the fields. Some seek blood to shape our world into one without the others.
And amidst this, most of us have to drive, cut grass, sauté vegetables, feed the dog, pay the phone bill, and wake up too early for work.
How are we to find meaning and purpose in a world shouting at us, shouting through us, a world so full of distractification devices that people have left the ramparts?
Being intentional matters – setting plans that will either show us meaning or show us the way closer to it. And also not falling prey to the siren call of that which lulls us into our slumbers and atrophy.
I’ve got a few goals for the year myself. Do you?
One Man with a Purpose
In this time of heat before the fall, of the bustle before the semester begins, I found a surprise in the chaos.
Enter Oliver Anthony’s song, “Rich Men North of Richmond,” rich guitar folk twangs and an angry, despondent voice, at the launch of a clown show of a political debate. It was at least a hint of pure life and real human worry at the head of a river of posturing and misrepresentations.
His song may not be for everyone and some are reading their lenses into the words. One thing that many can agree on is that this is a person who sees struggle and wants it to be different. He’s using his song to point to some hardship that many face.
Anthony’s message is worth discussing. It must resonate with people: at the time of this writing, it has garnered 41 million views in two weeks.
Here is an artful song with a shade of a dream that has been shared before and needs to be shared again.
I enjoy that Oliver Anthony responded in a video after the debate and said he wrote the song about those leaders. I can understand that. So many leaders today sound the same: ivy-colored, full of meaningless phrases, and lack of detail about clear action on the hard choices we need to be making. We need humans who listen, who know the feeling of having double digits in the bank account, who remember what it was to say no to something important like food or medicine because those were the only choices.
Let’s let servants and listeners into the white rooms. Let’s ask those who will serve others balance some budgets and make some hard choices.
Join this conversation. Go watch some of the Response Videos (which is apparently a thing? Can you tell I neither Tik nor Tok?). See what others say. What do you think?
We can all do so much better, and we WILL. Let’s do it together.
Read. Think. Come up with simple ideas. And VOTE.
Great Reads: The Urge
In my Comp 2 classes, I have started letting my students select a reader and one of my classes picked a great one. (This originally evolved from an issue/worry with Florida’s Governor Ron Desantis’s new restrictions on classroom topics, but in the end, it ended up being great allowing students to have choices.)
The Urge: Our History of Addiction, by Carl Erik Fisher is a worthy read.
Here are a few perks that make this book worth your time (especially for anyone interested in Psychology, CBT and therapeutic fields, and/or medicine):
Great organization and broad overview
The 11 chapters each take a look at one piece of the puzzle as humanity has tried to make sense of the complexities of our urges, from antiquity on through the therapists and treatment centers of today.
This book also moves back and forth between historical stories and Fisher’s own story of struggle.
Fisher is honest and shares his OWN credible tale
I am not always a fan of a memoir story – there are just so many, but Fisher takes the concept of a memoir/addiction story and marries it with a historical focus. It is not too much of either and both parts, the historical and the personal, are stronger for the inclusion of the other.
To explain, each chapter often starts with history, or a historical situation, usually focusing on one historical figure’s story, and then after a few pages, it switches gears to Fisher’s tale. Since high school, he’d been a drinker, and that seemed to accelerate as he got further into college and then into his medical residency. He doesn’t soften his story but instead includes what some would consider to be highly embarrassing moments. He does this to earn credibility – he’s been through his own experience of addiction, denial, failure, acceptance, and recovery.
I do wonder a bit at what choices were made about how to intersperse his story with historical accounts. At least once or twice, shifting gears from the terrors of 18th-century medicine to a Fisher moment and then back seemed a bit abrupt. Then again, I listened to most of this via audiobook, so it might have been more clear in print. Still, perhaps clearer subheadings would have helped with the transitions and with later reference. (At least once, when trying to find a section of his story, or the section about the woman who helped champion Alcoholics Anonymous, I simply could not remember and could not quickly find what I was seeking).
A Global Lens with which to View Addiction and Urges
One of my favorite takeaways from this book arrives in the increased awareness I have at the complexity of addiction and the variety of addiction stories. Chapters 10, 11, and the Conclusion were profound and helped me shift some of my own shame thinking to a place that is more compassionate and nuanced (toward myself and others).
Addiction is biological, and mental, and social. It is a kind of illness and it is a kind of coping strategy. It is far more than just Aunt Rhonda’s continual request for one more glass of wine or a gamer’s just a few more minutes of playing.
In fact, most interestingly, I loved the data that revealed most people can get out of addictive states without any sort of help at all (70% I think?). All readers should pay attention to the Chapter 10 or 11 data on the heroin-addicted veterans retuning from Vietnam in the 1970s. Most stopped heroin use cold-turkey and without help. With help, either social, therapeutic, or through medicines and addiction-suppressing drugs (yes, that’s real – Methadone is one), many people can find more control in their lives.
I’ll read this book again sometime, especially the last few chapters that discussed the varieties of AA programs and the new paradigm with which to view addiction. Some of the earlier chapters, did get a bit into the weeds, though they offered so much perspective on how the Temperance movement led to Prohibition (and why that failed), or how the “War on Drugs” evolved in the late 70s and 80s (and why THAT failed too).
This is just an interesting book (and enjoyable to listen via audiobook) with a highly compassionate, honest, and effective writer. Highly recommended (8.5-9/10).
Disinformation & Propaganda: The Issue that May Divide and Crumble the World
Maria Ressa, one of the most well known journalists from the Philippines, fighter for FACTS, and as a result, winner of the 2021 Nobel Peace Prize, is sharing right now (Wednesday, April 6) about how fragile Democracy is right now.
She is speaking as part of the Atlantic’s Conference on Disinformation. What an incredible magazine addressing an important topic.
What do you know about this? How do you vet and sort whether information (from social media or news) is reliable?
Ressa: “[Democracy] all rests on the facts,” meaning that real discourse depends on real conversations where individuals and sides discuss from the same truths. That is happening less and less these days.
Ressa is full of such great information!!!
Conference on Disinformation: YouTube LIVESTREAM LINK.
April Fool’s Day Rules
Pranks and jokes are fun. They can lead people to laughter and high emotions. But there can be a right way to create the best pranks.
For those who may not be aware, April Fool’s Day every April 1st is a tradition where people prank others and then say “April Fools!” as a way to show that it was all a joke.
This could be as little as the rubber snake left in the oven or in pots (but not for a person who turns on the oven before looking in the oven) or as big as multi-person scripted scenes to get a person lulled into a false reality.
Here are a few rules that I have found that make better April Fools Pranks.
1. Prank NEGATIVE not positive.
Why play a negative prank rather than faking something positive? Because if you share that your mother won the lottery, then the “APRIL FOOL’S” reveal is a real let down. These can be almost cruel if they go on too long. I much prefer when the “APRIL FOOL’S” moment can also be a sigh of relief. No the doctor did not call and ask me to come in to talk about the biopsy. No we are not actually behind in the mortgage payments. No, your wife’s wallet is not mysteriously missing. No your son did not get called into the school office for something mortifying.
2. DON’T PRANK TOO BIG. Prank small or medium – it’s more believable.
Rather than sharing that you saw military guys with rifles in the backyard, just share that you heard a noise that worries you (although this can be cruel for the anxious – see bullet 3: know your audience). Don’t share that your daughter attacked someone violently. Share that she did something inappropriate (that could be seen as embarrassing or just amusing). Don’t say you’re dying and the doctor gave you 4 weeks; say you found a lump (though that one can induce anxiety too – see number 3).
3. KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE.
Know what people are afraid of? Use that to some extent (but maybe don’t play on people’s anxieties if they struggle with these anxieties, so people afraid of intruders should not be told there is an intruder; that’s cruel). Have a dad who’s always talking about how “They’re out to get you” about sales people or something similar? Definitely use that. Share how you got sucked in by a charlatan. Perhaps, for example, a man showed up selling solar panels as a great way to save money or even make passive income, but if you just give them $100 now, you can get into a half price offer deal when they come by next month. Isn’t that great!? You’re going to get solar panels half price! Have a brother-in-law that loves a deal? Use that in a story to everyone else in the family (with the brother-in-law’s permission – shared pranks are even more fun).
4. TIMING: Bury the lead and don’t take it too long.
Bury the lead means that pranks are more believable if you don’t walk into the kitchen smiling and say “Guess what?” Have a normal conversation and then, in the middle of it, casually drop the start of the prank. Oh yeah that is a great show. Hey, by the way, we’re going to be getting new solar panels for half price.
Also, don’t take things too long. Recognize that negativity (in a prank) does have physiological effects. If you really get someone believing your play, don’t tell them something terrible and keep it going all day long. Don’t be cruel. Get in, play the prank, and get out (within the same conversation or at least the same visit/call).
5. USE THE A-HOLE DOUBLE-CHECK TEST
After you come up with the prank, ask yourself this, “Could anyone who heard this take it the wrong way?” or to be more clear, ask “Is there anything about this prank that is racist, sexist, or inappropriate?” Don’t get fired. Don’t become that guy/gal who everyone remembers from the really inappropriate joke. If you’re not sure, ask someone who has more sense than you or DON’T DO IT. Humor is a blast, but not if it bombs, and definitely not if it hurts other people.
Good luck! Get creative, and have some mischievous fun! (Loki would be proud….)
GREAT READ: The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt
The Happiness Hypothesis, by Jonathan Haidt, is a wonderful, interesting Social Psychology light book (240 pages) rich with thinking that will be remembered for years to come.
This book uses narrative writing to start with the concept of a divided mind (by the way, the first chapter is free online on Haidt’s [pronounced “Height”] WEBSITE). This is one of the main analogies that will stick with me for years: Haidt’s divided mind is not two people arguing in a room or Freud’s Ego, Id, and Superego. Haidt imagines an ELEPHANT with a little rider on top. The elephant is everything we want to do and much of what behaviorists and social scientists know about human psychology, some of which we are born with. The RIDER (I guess the prefrontal cortex) is really more of an advisor to the elephant, since it’s one of the most recent adaptations of our powerful brains. It doesn’t control as much as we think it does.
The rest of the book takes that analogy and explores 2) how to shift the mind/elephant, 3) Reciprocity and human nature, 4) Hypocrisy, 5) Where happiness really comes from, 6) Attachments, 7) Adversity, 8) Character, and Morality and religion before wrapping things up.
It’s a brilliant narrative explanation, interpretation, summary, an analysis of SO MANY other experiments, literary works, historical texts (including the “three great zones of classical thought: India…, China…, and the cultures of the Mediterranean….”).
Readers who have read a lot will recognize some of what he discusses, but I’ll imagine they’ll find his way of weaving all of this together as mostly fresh. Readers who have not read as much philosophy (which I will admit I often find generally dry and boring) will find a profound wealth of new texts and references to explore.
Unless you’ve read a hundred books that sound similar, this is one of those books that every human should read. It explains a LOT. This is a book I will definitely read multiple more times in my life, and I have a lot of books. Anyone wanting to know why people behave the way they do, or why they can’t seem to diet, or get over their anger, this book will give you more clarity.
NOTE: Just so readers know, Haidt tends to lean more left in politics and he states that he is an “atheist,” but in my opinion, he treats all of these topics and conversations with grace and awareness – I think even most/many religious readers (definitely agnostics or spiritualists or Buddhists) and many conservatives will still find this read fully worth their time.
One Professor Admits to Using Drugs and thinks Society Should Accept Some Drug Usage… (By the way, I’m not talking about me.)
If you wanted to share something with your boss that might help that person and others change their minds about an important situation, but this share could get you fired, would you risk it? What if by sharing this thing, it might save the lives and livelihoods of others?
Enter Carl Hart, Columbia University Professor of Neuroscience. Well respected in his field and community, Carl Hart recently told everybody that he does drugs. Like ALL the drugs. Pot, “Bath Salts,” cocaine, and even heroin. What does it say about our society though that many people will hear “does drugs” in the same surprised and reproachful manner as if I said he attacks people or shoplifts for thrills? By the way, Carl Hart is a black man, which does affect how this conversation will play out. Many in the US have a lot of anti-black-person biases without even realizing it. And by the way, if you just said “Not me,” there’s a strong chance you have some biases buried in your head somewhere (most white people do, even us well intentioned ones).
Carl Hart seems to have shared this personal attribute in order to attempt to change the conversation about demonizing drugs and sending everyone to prisons. Is his disclosure insane? Is it brilliant?
I am NOT advocating people tell their bosses, “Woohoo, I’m a pothead! Suck it!” There is a risk to disclosing aspects of daily life, especially things considered crimes by society. And addiction is real, and many who use drugs, some who simply try drugs once become dependent and addicted. Sharing that people are breaking laws because the laws are flawed does not mean these individuals won’t have to suffer consequences.
However, standing up and saying something is wrong is often the only way to change society. Fifty years ago, it was unlawful for a white person to marry a black person. Six years ago, it was not possible for two people of the same sex to be married (in most states and in the eyes of the federal government). In 1963, it was lawful for states to impose arbitrary tests before any person at their discretion could vote. (Nowadays, some politicians of similar mindsets just reduce access to voting by limiting mail-in ballots or early voting. Same effect. Fewer black people can vote.)
Welcome to the gray area of present-day dilemmas: there is often no clear right or wrong. Is Carl Hart a hero? An idiot? Somewhere in between? Do you think he’s simply doing this for selfish reasons so he can keep doing drugs in peace or do you believe him that he wants change for all those charged and incarcerated for nonviolent drug crimes? Is he an addict and just doesn’t admit it to himself? Is anyone able to make that assessment other than he and his workplace supervisor? What do you think about this or ANY of these issues?
https://www.chronicle.com/article/why-a-columbia-neuroscientist-acknowledged-using-heroin
Of 2020, See What You Need to See
Horrible, Haarible
I once knew a pastor, an amazing and life-changing gentleman, who occasionally showed his Boston roots with a hint of an accent. I will always remember the way he described the brutality of the civil war in El Salvador in the 1980s as the governmental forces “disappeared” those who spoke out against them (these forces kidnapped, murdered, and disposed of the bodies of their rivals so their families could never truly have closure or mourn the deaths of their loved ones). This pastor said the war was “Horrible. Horrible.” (With a weighted pause afterward.) However, with his Boston accent, what he said actually sounded like this: “Haarible. Haarible.”
There are those who will look back at 2020 and will use those words.
What a Haarible Year
This has been a “harrible” year for almost everybody. Much harder for some than for others. Not just COVID and the divisiveness of Donald Trump, though they loom like a grim reaper over everything, this year has also seen the murder of George Floyd (and the fact that using the word murder is needlessly divisive), global Black Lives Matter protests, the polarization of everything including “facts” and news, and all the failures of businesses and ways of life. Oh, and people couldn’t travel to escape reality for a little bit. Oh and suicides and domestic violence and child removals are at record levels. Oh and hurricanes in the Atlantic are worse and more destructive than ever while much of the west coast of the US burns, due in part to record droughts. Oh and Murder Hornets are a thing. Oh and a smaller but serious emotional blow: Chadwick Boseman, the first cinematic Black Panther, died of cancer. A man who brought hope and joy, dead due to humanity’s most steady killer. And John Lewis died, too. A hero in every sense of the word. This year saw SO MANY negative events. Too many to catalogue. Just too many.
And in fact, for certain business owners, for certain wealthy elites, this has been a year of record profits, wealth, and peaceful retreats.
I will admit, I have avoided writing about this accursed year because, well, how do you eat an elephant? (This is a silly expression I use sometimes to hint at the stress of a task so large it seems impossible. Also, don’t eat elephants.) This year is just too complex.
We have a country, no a globe, that is hemorrhaging human beings to the Coronavirus plague, at times the death rate in the US more than half of a 9/11 (2977 deaths) every day or more. The US is struggling with George Floyd’s murder and all the implications of the race conversation we still are not really having, and hyper-partisanship like I have never seen in my lifetime. People scream at each other because of masks or signs or tweets. Leaders in President Trump’s party spew lies and vitriol to attack others and demonize their opponents, and leaders on the other side essentially do a lot of the same. Political propaganda is everywhere, especially on the right (ahem, Fox News, OAN, and others like Alex Jones and Rush Limbaugh) but truly on both sides, that seeks simply to get more clicks, ignoring the cost. These people are fighting to the death, and they don’t seem to realize it. They don’t realize the costs of “winning” may burn down everything.
Is this our best, America? Is this what anyone wants?
I have felt moments of true despair, moments when I couldn’t watch the news at all, to see people justifying means to get their ends. I have felt moments when I sought oblivion in late night tubs of ice cream and Netflix monster movies.
Seeing the Rest, Seeing Good Too
And yet, I know something that I try to remember when it seems the darkest: We will get through this. And also:
There is nothing more powerful to shift thinking than changing a perspective. The human mind can always choose to focus on what is good.
I am alive. I am currently COVID free (even if not all members of my family are). I can breathe and I always have choices.
I am alive.
I can work. (And fortunately, I have work.)
I can think.
What can you see that would help you focus on the positive? What can you focus on that will help you find gratitude despite the darkness of this year?
Ryan Holiday in his book, The Obstacle is the Way about Stoicism, states, “Turn what you must do into what you get to do.” I have looked at that quote maybe a thousand times this year as I stayed home instead of visiting family or the store, as I shifted to online classes, as I cancelled trips. I had to do this stuff, but I GOT to learn so much from it. I am stronger than I have ever been with my work ethic and my ability to help and encourage students. I am improving at my own writing skills because I’m making more time to write and revise.
Not that I can do this all the time. Sometimes it is a real fight and I’m just sad. And yet, writing about this helps me remember to try harder.
How are you stronger because of this strange year? How are you better? How can you celebrate that?
(Quick Aside: Do you Have a Lot to Mourn? Do it with Help)
If you’ve experienced death or loss, first be sure you know that probably the healthiest action is to start a relationship with a counselor or therapist. Counselors know how to talk about loss and they know the healthy and unhealthy ways that people grieve. Even people without extra money can find free online therapy through services like 7 Cups or BetterHealth (see this LINK for more on free therapy).
By the way, when I talk to my students in classes, I’ve heard one response to this often: “_____ people [like me] don’t do therapy.” Yeah, well, people used to not think about “effective parenting” either, and I’m glad that is slowly changing.
Archeologists, neurologists, and many other people smarter than me know that human beings are social creatures, even you introverts. Big feelings are just hard to process if we are alone or not talking to others. All of us need help from time to time.
“Look with Better Eyes“
In one of the best movies ever made, James Cameron’s The Abyss, one character, played by the amazing Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio is attempting to get people to believe something hard, something without proof that seems a bit crazy. She says, “Coffey looks and he sees Russians [that character’s biggest fear–The Abyss was set in the eighties]. You have to look with better eyes than that.”
This quote in itself is imperfect. Nothing quite captures the challenge facing humans, Americans, Texans, Republicans, or Democrats. But it’s close. What you remember, what goes into your internal math equations about managing your time, energy, and output, depends on what you choose to see. And you get to decide what you see, or at least to influence what your eyes focus on.
And, Yeah, Stoicism
Here’s another pair of quotes from a famed father of stoic philosophy, Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius, that approach this 2020 dilemma in another way:
“Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil.”
“You have power over your mind, not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
The first quote reminds us that there will always be difficulties. EVERYDAY. The second quote reminds us that so much of life is simply out of our control. WE CANNOT CHANGE the fact that some politicians are idiots or that so many good human beings are being duped into idiocy. What we CAN do is focus on our perception and what we have control over. That’s it. You can be powerful in the arenas in which you have control. You are in fact unstoppable, and breathing, and thinking. Who cannot celebrate those things?
It sometimes doesn’t feel like enough, and it requires frequent redirection (at first) but you can choose to see how wonderful your life is. You can choose to see the actions that will lead you to even better.
Do that. Choosing what you see will make all the difference.
Good luck, and may 2021 show us even more blessings amidst the chaos. (And hopefully less chaos. And again, don’t eat elephants.)
John Lewis is a Hero; John Lewis is My Hero
Civil Rights leader and US Representative John Lewis recently passed away.
People who do not think of John Lewis as a hero are missing something. Either they don’t know how tirelessly he fought for equality and justice, without throwing an insult or a punch. Or they don’t know what America is and where it has come from.
This country was founded on lofty ideals and revolutionary ideas. It is an experiment in governance that had never been done before. And yet America has never been able to see through and grant those ideas and freedoms to all human beings equally. Our leaders have always fallen short or chosen to maintain a caste system. I am reminded of the incredibly important human maxim: Power corrupts. Or rather, the actual quote from Lord Acton, “Power tends to corrupt and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
A number of excellent attributes and actions made John Lewis a hero. He was kind. He was curious. In this era and political climate, I especially love that he was willing to stand up and say “THAT IS NOT RIGHT” over and over again until real change started happening. It almost killed him.
As a person who grew up in a family full of conflict, I admire how John Lewis’s honesty and integrity made him continue the fight, even when it may have felt impossible. Sometimes I look around at all the problems we have in this country, all the struggles my students face, and I feel overwhelmed. Remembering that John Lewis just kept moving forward helps. John Lewis is an example for me. He reminds me how to live in America.
Read John Lewis’s final essay, challenging this generation to finally lay down the mantle of hate.
It is scary to stand against something powerful. John Lewis stood for something stronger. He fought for better without disrespecting or throwing a punch. For that he will be missed. And appreciated. And championed.
Godspeed.
